Dear Venus Razor,
I haven’t been happy for some time now. You must have noticed something. I can’t remember the last time we spent quality time together. People were starting to notice! I mean, dry spells during the winter months aren’t uncommon, but it’s the middle of summer and I’ve been wearing jeans just to avoid seeing you. I tried to rationalize with thoughts like, “Everyone gets hurt by their razor…” or “I’m sure it’s totally normal, having to shave three times in one shower…” but yesterday I took a chance with someone new. It’s only been a day, but I’m in love.
I didn’t plan this, honest I didn’t! I was going to buy refills for you: something to bring the spark back. A mundane trip to ghetto-schnucks, a stroll down the razor aisle, I even reached for your over-priced, flashy, pink packaging but suddenly it appeared. For a dollar less.
I’ve never had a metal razor before. It’s luxurious. The weight of the Schick-Quatro-for-Women finally matches the weight of responsibility that dragging a sharp object up-and-down my leg should come with. My legs have never felt this smooth. I don’t know if it’s the aero-dynamic design or witchcraft, but this razor doesn’t leave me with stray stubble. Like you do. It doesn’t give me razor burn on my shin, or leave me with cuts on my ankle. Like you do. I was having so much fun! I actually shaved my whole leg, not just to the knee. It even supports itself, in a holding case that sticks to the wall of my shower.
So, it’s over. I hope you find an eleven-year-old that’s impressed by your bright colors and clever name. An eleven-year-old that doesn’t actually need to shave regularly. An eleven-year-old that will take twelve years to see you for what you are: a cheap razor that never really did the job right. An eleven-year-old that will eventually weep for joy when a new razor comes along to sweep her off her feet in less than 10 minutes. I’ll never forget the time we spent together: the cursing, the band-aids, having to clean your blades with a towel between each swipe, the long walks on the beach in full-length pants…
Schick-Quatro-for-Women and I will look back on you fondly.